"life is full of shit.
avoiding them is one thing,
picking them up & throw them aside is another.
but no matter what, theres always someone to clean that shit off you."
~ spkbxxx

sec 1E4 '97

Graduating Class of 4e5 2000

the fun times

all the memories

all the crazy ppl of 4E5

study grp for 'O' levels '00 ; kamsir, fadlin, me, fuad

nothing can possibly describe the void that im feeling now. fhame was a big part of my life, but hey he is a big man after all. as i was siting by the corner of the stairs while waiting to lock the office up(im the duty clerk), i cant help but think of fhame.

ya see, im suppose to meet azfar later at simpang bedok & situation like this, fhame wld have been the one who pick me up & we will joke our way there. i miss all those times as much as i miss the big guy. His cheeky laughter still rings in my head as i try to recall tat familiar face of his in my head.

always be miss..

hafnt blog for a few days now..seriously i dunno wat im gona bitch abt..dun wanna talk abt my life, this few months hasnt been the best part of my life, jus hate it so much smetimes.

arghhh...

was hopping thru a few blog & den this song came on. "graduation" by vitamin C. Havin gone thru a few graduation, tat song jus brings back alot of memories, both goood & bad. all the joy & pain tat one has to experience in his 20 yrs as a student. i tink for the next few posts, i will try to dig out abit into my sch days.

til my next post.

shibby~~

"Here's a letter i'm writing to you,
of all the things I never could have said ( its the truth).
It's the letter you're burning from me,
of all the things (you never wanted to hear.)"
~my heart your hands//from first to last

For those who are still clueless, wat happen to my life recently. let me update u guys again. i suffered a great loss on 2 Apr'05. i will nv forget this date.

well this time last week, i lost a great friend, a veri good brudder. exactly this time while i was playin soccer at the basketball court & while azfar was sleepin, the late fhame left us in silence, all so suddenly. its was a massive blow to all of us, his family & his friends.

me & azfar cldnt accept the fact fhame was gone, all the memories that we had of him was jus still so fresh. it felt like the night b4 he was with us but the next morning he was gone.

yes!

fhame meant alot to us. he was like the soul of the grp, plan was always made with him in mind most of the time. the 3 of us can jus sit ard & chill for hrs, talk abt life & dreams, makin plans with one another, poking fun at each other(most of the time, fhame). we had dreams together, it was silly if i were to tell u wat but hell dreams doesnt hurt anybody.

it was good, we had a bond so strong we tot we wld be able to go to the end of time together as friends & most imptly brudders. azfar & fhame was talkin abt how we wld rotate being the driver & best man for each other weddings & b4 tat whn we were bachelor, we stay together in a chic apartment.

tsk..

altot u cant be with us physically anymore, my friend. u shall always live on in my heart.

i love u man.

i looked up to the sky everytime & i noe u be there for me.

all these words jus cant express how i feel..

this song is for u, fhame

"Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

chorus
And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

chorus

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

Ooo's

chorus"
~In Loving Memory//Alter Bridge

was chillin at simpang bedok yesterday nite with azfar & his "cousin", think his name was jamal. <--(notice the " " its for certain reason) hasnt been back at simpang after fhame left i guess, that place happened to be the most frequent place by the 3 of us. theres jus too many memories but i guess it helps to haf azfar's "cousin" along coz if it was jus azfar & me, we werent be hafin much of a laugh like we had last nite.

well it has been abt 2 week since our loss and im glad to say me & azfar has been able to get on with our life again, except still feelin our loss once in awhile. the loss will always be there but fhame shall continue to live on thru us in our heart & mind, truly miss the big man lots. may he rest in peace.

dont what i gona rant abt anymre, guess i take my leave here.

shibby~

haach executive spa massage
Had a FOC spa treatment on sunday afternoon, thanz to the singtel redrewards. guess i technically paid for it anyway. well basically the treatment consist of a 1hr massage & 1hr spa.

theres 5 massages u can choose from: swedish, indonesian, thai & others i cant rember wat. i had a indonesian massage which is smethin like a thai massage with essential oil. so i was brought to the gent & told to change into the robe. well been a 1st timer, i was tinkin "un huh robe!! and wat m i suppose to wear under the robe? my boxer?" well b4 i cld channel my question to the staff, he was oreadi out of the room.

so being a smartass, i jus went thru the 'equipment' they had in the locker. i found a disposable underwear & so i thought to myself, this is what i had to wear under my robe.

arghh...

then in midst of my full glory, the masseuse almost came in but luckily she had the basic courtesy to knock 1st. phew.. cant imagine wat wld had happen if she did. but anyway she was gona had a glimpse of a almost fully naked me :) hehe wat i cant really imagine is the horror when the masseuse saw how HAIRY this chinese boy is....

i wasnt able to c the expression on her face.DAMN!! ha...

after ard an hr of pain-staking indonesian POW treatment, i was shown back to the spa. below are the picture of facilities available.


sauna

steam room

shower

jacuzzi

having a good time

Today marks a week + 1 that fhame has left..

things tat happened in the day..

well started the day rather early, was awaken frm my deep slumber by my dad's rude knockin on my rm door. didnt had a choice, jus had to get my butt up & go wash up then together with the rest of my dysfunctional family, set off to do wat we CHINESE folks do for Qing Ming Jie.(yes im chinese but i find it a drag, cant we jus do it without hafin to squeeze & sniff wats 'cologne' the guy besides me is using. i mean there is alot of chinese ppl!!)

so we did the usual thing, set up a table for offerings, pray & pay some respect, waited for my grandparents to 'finish' the food then burn some incense. Had our breakfast nearby after the whole Qing Ming thing.then my dad sent me down to bedok.

was gonna met up with azfar, mazlan & fhame's poly friends. we had planned the week b4 to visit fhame's final resting place. the traffice was killer, there was a long traffic congestion en route to the muslim cemetery. eventually it took us abt 30 mins for a mayb 10mins trip.

when we reach fhame's grave, we noticed some freshly placed flowers, think its frm his family who visited him in the early morning i guess. so we scattered some flowers to beautify the grave then the rest did their prayers during which i jus stood there & reminisce the time me & fhame had, will cherish it forever. b4 we left, we watered the grave & bid farewell to fhame again.

parted ways with fhame's poly friends & we headed to azfar's grandpapa grave. clear the grave abit & the boys did their prayers while me being the chinkee, jus stood there as uuuusual.

left the place ard 1+ & i had to rush back down to tampines for my haach executive spa massage, shall blog it on my next post.

best of fhame

today is the 7th day, fhame is gone to be with Allah, still sad that hes gone & all but im coming to term with it oreadi.

looking back at the time we shared, i rember the last time i was out with Fhame was on the 24th of march, the eve of gd friday. it was the 3 of us, Fhame, Azfar & me. our 1st objective of the night was to get stoned & stuffed ourselves full. so we went down to Tanjong Pagar Railway Station. details of that night is still fresh in my head..

i remembered i met them at the roadside across my void deck. Fhame was the 1st to arrive, followed by azfar. as usual i got into fhame car & the 3 of us cruise down to KTM station. Along the way, fhame was telling me abt this particular indian Warrant Officer who speaks with a very heavy indian accent. i had a pretty good laugh at fhame's impersonation of him.

we reach the Railway Station soon after, parked our car illegally at the roadside & proceed to get a table for ourselves but b4 we cld get anithin, i heard someone ringing the bell & shouting "summon!!". immediately i went back to the table, inform azfar,fhame & b4 i cld said smethin else, i see the both of them took off like ants on the hot plate. it took em abt 10 mins or so to get a legal parkin lot & during all these while, stupid me was at the table waitin for em.

we den took turn to go order our food n drinks. fhame & me went 1st to get the drinks, rembered we were checking out this 2 chinese chicks at the drink stall & we both were lookin at the same ger : ) what can i say, great mind think alike :) haha after we got our milo dinosaurs & azfar' tea we went to the shisha stall to get ourself the smoking gun. hehe

then we got back to the table & this time round, i walked with azfar to order our chow. azfar ordered his mee soto as usual while i queue up for some kueh. i think it took me abt 30 mins b4 i cld order & acquire my kueh. while back at the table, azfar & fhame was havin a good time tappin some bong without me in the mix...how cld u guys!! ya so we hang ard for an hr plus or so..smokin our life away & chattin abt the stars & moon until we had a idea of catching a late late movie at cineleisure.

and so we headed down to cineleisure but when we reached the ticketing booth, it was kind of disappointing coz there wasnt anythin appealing for us to catch. so we got back down to the open space outside cineleisure & think of our next plan of action while me & fhame take a SMOKE breaak. as usual, we thought why not we hang ard at changi b4 we headed home.

so we dragged our lazy bodies back to the carpark & jus whn i was gonna sit my big ass into fhame big ass car. he tell me to get my ass into azfar short ass car & i was like "nigga WHAT!!" no actuali it was jus "WHAT!". he told me he got a PRIVATE PHONE CALL!!, no shit he told me to move my ass jus coz of a phone call, cldnt believe him man!! lol talk abt personal space.

i sat in azfar car for the trip down to changi but half way thru our journey, azfar asked "u seen fhame's car?? think we lost him" and i replied "ermm nope" (it was pretty normal for fhame to do that, coz he usuali drive at a 'relax' speed) so me & azfar reached changi, parked the car & got out thinkin "now where the hell cld this fhame been??" so we thought why not we go get ourselves a hot cup of tea & some food while we wait for tat Fhat Me but we waited & waited, finished our teh & my nasi lemak & still fhame didnt appeared.

then me & azfar thought we drive to his fav. spot & see whether hes there. hell we went ard almost the whole of changi lookin for sign of his ass but he jus wasnt ard anywhere. during the search for the big man, me & azfar did smethin stupid. haha its a secret. so after some searching, we ended our day without fhame.

but i heard frm azfar, fhame called ard 4am tat night. haha tat idiot said he went to top up his petrol, ya rite!! brudder, more like he went to some secluded spot to haf phone sex or smethin.

ok tat all speculation, well sadly tat was the last time, i seen him & talked to him.

i miss him so.....

so when was the last time u seen Fhame?

All the info below was retrieve frm friendster website. jus wanna keep a record of things, in case they disappear.

To my man Fhame,

so long & good bye. thanks for everything u have given me.

Love ya always,
chee

Fhame Profile
juz sum 1...well... preferbely a girl... and ah... good and open perspective when looking at things...and a sugar mummy.. age must be 45 and below, has a body of a 20 year old (i noe there are some of you out there).... must be a malay or a caucasians or better mix blood.. able to buy me a MITSUBISHI EVO 8 MR and CBR 954RR... hehe... wahlau.. ani 1 also can... ale.. janji normal bukan alien tak banyak songeh sua...

"Picture me rolling" -Tupac Shakur

Testimonial We gave each other
Anzfhadzmir, Sunday, August 15, 2004:
mista smoke machine... heh peace man.. tanks 4 e testicals.. nah i mean e testi.. damn hyper tension fingers...

Anzfhadzmir, Saturday, March 20, 2004:
aiye.. HOLY CHICKEN!!! waddup punk.... dis mat rocks man... he is sooooo goood looking... he once help a poor family by helping the kids to school.. even gave them pockect money... he even becme a monk once just so he can feel poor... and he once help a girl in distress by unstressing via undressing her and riding her the whole nite... nah actuallly im paid by him to tell all u peeps out there this... he also threaten to take my whole family down... damn u MAT TAPERED!!!!! aniwae... on a more serious note.. this guy is not bad... so him fromm a geek to MR heartbreaker.. other then that i have nothin against him other that his name..hehe... u noe wat i mean mista cheezzo... btw.. for all u folks out there.. listen up... this guy is funny, weird and some time fucking cocky... so xin chee dats ir my brader ooo brader of mine... may u find peace in the one u love... chowz piggy boy...

SPKBXXX, Sunday, February 27, 2005:
hey my fellow smoke machine!! isnt it abt time to make the big trip down to the great motherland of al cheapo cigarettes!! make an appt & we head down for a smoke fest will ya but sorry i gotta get rdy my passport 1st : ) ohh i almost forgot, i love ur big boi, ur my brada!! we will keep it bangin while we still hangin!!

SPKBXXX, Sunday, August 15, 2004:
FHAME!! hes the man aka the Machine...u need some smoke effects for special occasion..well well u found the rite man!!! haha so dude with jus a few days left before u expired, i wish u gd luck man..njoy wateva left of ur time...muahaha nxt time go JB dun 4get to give me a HOLLLER!! njoy urself in the sunny resort island of P.Tekong : )

SPKBXXX, Monday, March 08, 2004:
FHAME AKA FAME AKA FAT MEAT..wahaha i have known this big dude since sec 1..i haf seen him grow from a tiny big dude to a very big big dude!! haha fhame always a veri nice, helpful and friendly guy..hes just a gentle giant but dun mess wit him..coz he kick ass im serious abt this!!! anyway fhame plz dun stop checking the long kang ya...if u do, we r all in deep shit!! ur gonna have a veri impt job in the future..keepin our long kang safe!! haha cya ard ya..stay cool big man!!

slowly slowly..bit by bit, im starting to come to terms with the fact. Yes god has take the MAN away from us. He jus have to do it...

i cried on the bus while on my way to work in the morning. somehow images of him during BMT jus surfaced, partly bcoz i saw his POP pictures yesterday while i was at his place. Suddenly i remembered the time i saw him in tekong during the day of his Passing Out Parade & i decided to msg everyone & shared it with em. I know it was veri early in the morning but i jus have to share with the rest a piece of my memory.

I rember his POP was on 2nd Dec'04, a day earlier than mine. So as usual it was lunch time & i was with my platoon marching down to the cookhse. From a distance, i saw a familiar figure. i knew it was fhame, he was draggin his duffel bag. so i shouted out to him discreetly while i was marching, haha somehow my Sgt didnt heard me. well fhame turned & looked at me. he shouted back, "chee!!" & he punched his fist in the air & said "POP" b4 he bid me goodbye coz his fast craft is leaving.

inside my heart i was smiling, i knew hes some1 i can always count on.

beside his POP day, i will also catch glimpses of him durin lunch time, sometimes we will be at the cookhse at the same time & when ever tat happen i will pop by his table & say 'hi' or smetimes i will c his company marching round the parade square from my bunk window. from my window, i will try to spot him but it nt easily spoting mr BIG out of a company strength of BIG ppl. lolx

well after i sent out the msg to everyone, peifang replied me saying that she cried herself to sleep on sat & she dreamt of Fhame appearing in his usual berms & tees, pat her on the head & told her nt to cry. she believe fhame will always be watching over us.

i believe in that too..fhame will be watching over us. now everytime i look up in the sky, i noe fhame is there, lookin down on us.

shibby-less.....

Back here again, mourning the loss of my dear brudder. woke up today & the 1st thing i did was -sighz- it didnt turn out to be the weekend i expected it to be. Usually, we wld meet up on either one of these days fri, sat or sun but it didnt happen this week. It did but not what all of us would had wanted...

-sighz-

the heart is heavy, a million word cldnt describe my feelings rite now mayb there isnt a word i cld use to tell u how i feel. There is jus too many pieces of glass to pick up, everything shattered together but i know i haf to pick it up slowly, 1st Fhame 2nd my life+family+r/s 3rd work related shit. its gona take time & i know i will cut myself but i will still go on, life still move on.

was with Mai, Mei, Pearly, Xuan, Radiyah, Mazlan, Azfar earlier. we chill at starbucks, helpin each other go thru the loss of Fhame. it helps to be in a grp & talk abt it, i wld have go crazy goin thru this shit alone. we hanged ard until Radiyah gotta go off, she had other plans den xuan & pearly went off as well.

so the rest of us, mei, mai, lan, me & azfar went to have our dinner at simei eastpoint. After dinner we went to chill nearby & wait for mazlan to come back frm CGH. From den on, we sent mei back followed by mai. b4 we sent mazlan back, we decided to head down to Fhame's place to have a lil chat with his family.

so we were sitting there with his family & talking abt him. it was good to know that they r coping well & we jus have to let em know, fhame had a good bunch of friends who loved him alot. We were goin thru pic of the accident, discussing of What-Wld-Had den we were browsing thru some of Fhame BMT pics.

damn, he look good!!

images of him is still etched deeply in my mind. fresh images flash thru my head for the whole day, there isnt a single moment i can get him off my head. i jus miss the big man too much. there is jus so many things i wld like to share with him. im at a loss of words now...guess it time to rest.

shibby without the BIG 'F'

I have lost a classmate/friend/smoke machine/pal/confidant/brudder & most imptly someone i held close to my heart, a family member. Fhame my brudder, u left without goodbyes but i bid u mine.

u shall always be missed & im already missing u badly my brethen. although i have never said this to u b4, but brudder thank u for all the time we had, all the joy & laughters we shared. It was a hell of a ride with u onboard. Together with Azfar & everyone who loved u, we bid u farewell, its time for u to rest, my friend.

We will live on with u in our heart always, i know i will. ur untimely depart has brought everyone together again, i know u wld want tat to happen.

In the meantime, me n azfar will carry on strong & try to fulfill ur last few wishings. sadly as much as we tried to it will never be the same without u ard us anymore. the 3 brudders are down to 2 now but we will press on, with the help of the rest. i know we can but time is a major factor. Right now, i still cant accept the fact tat u left but it will in time.

Miss u dearly bro...

for the last time, goodbye brudder & thanks for everything.


The Brudders: Fhame "Big Boiii", Xin Chee "Cina Boii", Azfar "Ratty Boiii"

Xin chee, you selected the following three cards, in this order, that represent your past, present and future:


The Lovers, Judgement, Temperance

Your Present
While we often think we are aware of all that is happening in our lives, sometimes the card we choose regarding the Present provides deeper insight than we are able to tap into on our own. Carefully consider the Tarot's following assessment of your present, and see what the cards are trying to teach you about situations occurring in your life right now.

Judgment

Judgment represents the primary influence on the current state of your life. Right now, in your present, you may be experiencing a period of profound awakening. Getting this card in this position may be a sign that you've been seeking an improvement in your health and well-being, and that you're finally having a great realization that is bringing you clarity. As you look back on the past, use this new awareness to reconsider your actions, and understand that you must forgive before you can be forgiven.

Judgment represents an awakening. The card shows the angel Gabriel blowing his horn to awaken humankind from our earthly state. People rise from coffins, realizing that there's great purpose to life. The angel's banner crosses red's passion for life and white's spiritual purity, representing the balance between heaven and earth. With Judgment comes an epiphany that provides clarity. Judgment is a sign of a well-lived life, as well as renewed energy as you stand on the brink of self-actualization.There are a number of ways this card could be playing out right now.

Some possibilities include:
You may be experiencing a renewed lease on your love life, brought on by a new clarity about yourself or your partner.
You may be experiencing a whole new relationship with money, brought on by a clarification in goals or values.
In the areas of health and well-being, you may finally realize what you need to do in order to have the quality of life you desire.

Your Past
Understanding our past decisions and situations can help us derive more from the lessons life is trying to teach us. It's never too late to acknowledge the truths of our past and bring that wisdom into our present and future.

The Lovers

The Lovers exerted a significant impact on your past. Your close relationships were especially important to you in your past, likely providing you with the intimacy you needed. It also signifies that at some point, you were forced to make a pivotal choice in your love life. This card symbolizes three choices: romance, inspiration, and temptation. Your decision in this matter, and the reactions it elicited from others, brought you to the point where you're at today.

The Lovers are the seventh card in the Major Arcana. The Lovers stand nude underneath the watch of an angel. This card is about harmony with those around you. The Lovers signal the ways of the heart. Getting this card may be a sign that you're craving intimacy. The Lovers represent choices to be made in spiritual, physical, and emotional matters of your heart. This card may also indicate a new romance or focal point in your love life.

This card may have affected the overall tenor of your life, or just a particular area. Following are a few possibilities for how you experienced these influences in your past:
You may have sought closer intimacy with members of your family.
In your social life, you may have had very close friendships that helped to shape how you felt about yourself.
You may have had to make difficult choices about a romantic relationship, perhaps whether or not to be faithful to a partner, or how much you were willing to compromise in order to have harmony in your relationship.

Now that the Tarot has offered its insight into your past and your present, it's time to look forward into the world of what's yet to happen. Read on to see what the cards predict for your near future.

Your Future
Knowing what may be coming up in our future allows us to prepare ourselves for the unexpected. The card that represents your future will reveal which lessons are coming up next in your life. You may learn that you're about to enter into a particularly fruitful or easy time, or the cards may predict that you're about to be confronted with the opportunity to learn some of life's more challenging lessons. We each have lessons to learn, and if we avoid them, the cards tell us that they will simply reappear until they are addressed. When life lessons come your way, allow the cards' insight to guide your way as you work through these challenges. Keep in mind that if you successfully learn your lessons, you can then move on to new ones.

Temperance

Your future, as it currently stands, is represented by the third card you chose. Temperance is the card of patience, which indicates that at some point soon, you may find your patience being tested. In order to achieve harmony and balance, you'll need to respond with cooperation and self-discipline. Put yourself in other people's shoes to develop a deeper understanding. When the situation presents itself, choose adaptability over indecision.

Temperance represents patience. The archangel Michael is pouring the essence of life out of a silver cup into a golden cup, representing the flow from the unconscious to the conscious and back again. One of his feet is perched on water and one is placed on land, representing the balance between logic and emotions. This is the card of self-discipline and the ability to achieve harmony with others. It reminds you to go with the flow of life, and to try to see where others are coming from.

More than any other step of life's journey, this card represents the lessons you must learn and the experiences in store for you in your upcoming karmic destiny. This may impact you in any number of ways, including:
Your romantic partner may act in ways you find distressing, unless you can adapt to this new behavior.
A co-worker or boss may try your patience, requiring you to empathize with their viewpoint instead of dismissing it.
You may need to cooperate with a family member's requests in order to maintain harmony in your family.

Brother
Azfar
Gina